Sunday, March 27, 2011

Names, Names, Names

     FIrst of all, I must say that this wonderful information comes from They have some really neat things on their website for us humor people and so I travel over there frequently and see what is the latest. I have done a lot of research on odd and downright disgusting things that people name their kids but I found these names to be a little different. I find that the British often have very quirky behavior at times so it is not surprising that I enjoyed reading this collection of unusual names.

     The top 20 unusual names that they came across were...

     1. Shy
     2. Unity
     3. Bean
     4. Zowie (for a hyperactive child, perhaps?)
     5. Puppy
     6. Ice (The Ice Man Cometh)
     7. Victory
     8. Porsche
     9. D'Andre
    10. Denim
    11. Diesel (hopefully a boy)
    12. Armani
    13. Rooney
    14. Bowie
    15. Cobain
    16. Stone (Like Rock Hudson)
    17. Gift
    18. Echo
    19. Heaven
    20. Maroon

I found "Bean" and "Puppy" to be rather endearing nicknames but only till they graduated from training wheels to a 2 wheeler. I can't even comment on Maroon. And "Shy" and "Zowie" seem to be self-predicting. Of course you could combine some of these for middle names and get some nice combos like Zowie Bean, Shy Echo, Maroon Armani, or Shy Puppy. It's got possibilities.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Second Crusade Challenge

     This was a fun challenge. Under 100 words, beginning with "The goldfish bowl teetered...." Enjoy.

Fish Dreams
95 words

The goldfish bowl teetered
right where they were playing
The dog chased the kitten
The table was swaying

A slide to the right
The bowl shifting quickly
Terrified fish face
so panicked and sickly.

Traumatized eyes
are aghast in surprise
Frantic fins flapping
against his demise.

DOWN to the carpet
The cascading flood,
His habitat plunges
below with a thud.

He flops to the left
He flops to the right
He’s gasping for air
but something’s not right

Reality’s fishy
It’s not what it seems
Such are the nightmares
of fish who have dreams.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Aware of Pantophobia

      As you know, I have researched the tons of various phobias there are in the world. I think we can probably just list them all under "Pantophobia" which means Fear of Everything. It seems to fit quite well.

     In the last few years we have added one more territory to our United States of America. I call it the State of Paranoia, and it supercedes the reason and responsibility of the other 50 states.

     We are afraid of everything. Let me begin with health issues, which, in my humble opinion, tops the list. Take, for example,
keeping your body hydrated, a very important issue today. 

     Did cave men worry about this? How about when I grew up? Only hospital people used the word "hydrated." Now, being properly hydrated seems to be our purpose in our life journey.

     Warnings tell us not to drink sodas with sugar in them. They have enough sugar to choke a horse. Sugar is our enemy.

     Everyone switched to Diet Drinks. But don’t drink diet soft drinks cause they are not good for you either. They are your enemy.

     Decaffeinated beverages, including sodas became popular. Caffeine is bad. It is your enemy.

     We are told to drink 8-10 glasses of water a day, plain water, not cold. Not from the tap. It is your enemy.

     We all switched to bottled water. Everywhere you looked, people had a cell phone in one hand and a bottle of water in the other.  Landfills were full to the brim with our water bottles. Now after sucking down hundreds of water bottles, we're told that bottled water is no good for you. The plastic leaches into the water and makes you die. Bottled water is your enemy. And have you seen the plastic bottles sitting out in the sun leaching all that poison into your water that is headed straight to your digestive tract?

     Now we should only drink filtered water. The more expensive it is, the better job it does. 

     Then we hear that city water is safer than bottled water and where does bottled water really come from?

     And by the way, never refill bottles with water and drink it again. Refilled bottles are your enemy.

     All this information for a kid who drank from the garden hose when she was thirsty.

     I can see all this paranoia having its effect on me. The other day, I reached around to the back of my neck to scratch an itch.  Liquid was oozing. I checked my finger. No blood. I dabbed it with a tissue. Nothing. I waited and touched it again. Oozing liquid, not blood. 

     Normally sane Jeanne imagines all kinds of things. Being that I have had a spinal fusion with a steel rod implanted in my back I have a scar that ends right at the spot where the oozing is occurring.

     “Oh my God. My spinal fluid is leaking out a hole. I’ve burst a leak. “ I ran to the bathroom to see the back of my neck in the mirror but the only mirror I found was about 2 inches by 2 inches, part of a make up kit.

     I am wondering how long I can last with my spinal fluid leaking out my neck. I run out to the kitchen, index finger over my scar to keep my fluids intact, to consult George.

     I was very careful not to scare him because he gets nervous about my various ailments. “George, can you look at the back of my neck and see what’s going on there?”

George peered at my neck. "It’s all red. It’s a mosquito bite. Don’t scratch it any more.”



Saturday, March 19, 2011

Trivia in Great Britain

   As I was researching the net I found some amusing sites devoted to Trivia or Game Shows in Great Britain. People call in to answer the questions, but I don't think these particular people made much money from their insight. These questions and answers are courtesy of

     Host: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
     Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
     Host: There is a clue in the title...
     Contestant: Leicester?

    And here's another winner...

     Host: Who had a worldwide hit with "What A Wonderful World?"
     Contestant:  I don't know.
     Host: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
     Contestant: Arm
     Host: And if you're not weak, you're ...
     Contestant: Strong!
     Host: Correct! And what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
     Contestant: Louis!
     Host: There we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song "What a Wonderful World?"
     Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

Two more!

     Host: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
     Contestant: Forrest Gump?

     Host: How long did the Six Day War last between Egypt and Israel?
     Contestant: (after long pause) Fourteen days.

At least I feel smarter now!

Friday, March 18, 2011

And the Fore CAST is More of the Same

     Well, I do believe that in 4 days, this cast will be gone. Hallelujah. Hopefully something shorter and more negotiable will take its place. In the meantime, though, the news is full of such sad stories about our friends in Japan, our worries for world safety. The least I can do is to sift through all the news and bring you some that is a little more light-hearted and upbeat.
     Lots of things have been happening. You just have to know where to find them. For example, did you know that a woman in Virginia entered a courthouse with a special surprise in her bra? A marmoset clad in a diaper and a pink dress.

    "What is that?" you ask. Well, here is a photo. It is a little monkey. The woman, upon entering the courthouse, said that it was her daughter, Cara. That must have been some huge bra! The marmoset was not considered any type of a problem so she continued on with her business.

    More news that you missed? A would-be burglar, trying to enter a home through a window, found himself entangled in a clothes hamper. The noise he made trying to extricate himself caused the owner to investigate. He was able to hold him there in the hamper (Pee Yew!) until the police came. Guess you could say it "hampered" his home invasion.

     Well I wish I had not missed this one. Here I am sitting on my rump while they are having a comedy festival in Michigan. Doggone it. I miss all the fun. And the kickoff for the event was right up my alley. A rubber chicken toss! They were attempting to beat the Guiness World Record of the most people tossing rubber chickens at one time. 965 rubber chickens were tossed onto an ice rink. If verified, that would totally smash the record of 265 set in April of 2010. Now that is progress.


Thursday, March 17, 2011

Cast Party

It has been a while since I have posted. Life is rather sucky right now. Still hobbling around pretty much watching the world go by. But two good things have happened. Number one, visits from my friends have been awesome. I especially want to thank Carol for bringing me "The Help" to read. I am almost done with it and and can't wait to get back to my bed and read it. Such an awesome book! Also my friends who are my Scrabble partners are keeping my brain somewhat clear!

I also made a new friend. When I posted my picture on my blog I got an email from Amy who is in a similar situation as I am. She has a broken ankle and knee, more proof of that it can always be worse. We have shared thoughts on peeing, moving around and how similar our lives are right now. I even have a picture so that you can note the similarities.... The one on the top is me! Damn.

Friday, March 11, 2011

More Bizarre Thoughts from Jeanne

     Call it boredom from being home with this frickin' cast for 2 weeks. YOU are the winners, though. I have some new interesting observations for you. Lucky readers.

First some more ads.

These first 2 are pathetic.

The first one features a Rubber Woman for Sale. Now it is bad enough that it is a Rubber Woman. But she is only $10.00. And she was used "Three Times!"

A few months ago FreeCycle offered a partial tube of Vagisil. Somehow that made me feel a little squeamish. I noted that in a later post, however, it was taken. Guess there is hope for the Rubber Woman.

Here is another one of my favorites: For Sale: Homemade Portable Toilet. Great for Parades.

Here is an interesting trade offered: Older Clothes Dryer: Works well but needs new home. Will trade for 2 large packages Oreo Double-Stuff cookies, unopened. (I don't even know what to say about this one.)

Or how about a 1990 Subaru for Sale: 5-speed, fuel injection, new brake and drum. New exhaust system. 4 new street tires included, 2 studded. Body in great shape. Engine gone but still runs. Just $500.00. (What?)

For Sale: New Christmas Nativity Scene (No Mary, Joseph or Jesus) $100.00

Seems to me that these items are sadly lacking in one thing or another.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Jeanne Kraus, C.M.

     OK, the CM, if you did not figure it out already, stands for Certified Moron. I find now that I can even embarrass myself on the phone. Yesterday I got a suspicious call.

      A voice asked to speak to "Jeannine Krotch." Dead give away that it is not a best friend calling. He tells me he is from my bank that holds my car loan. He asks for my address. Then my zip code. When he gets to my birth date my mind flashes to the TV programs about telephone fraud. I figure I am right now becoming a victim. Before I disclose my birthdate, my phone and my bra size, I decide to be careful.

     I inform the patient person on the other end that I am not comfortable giving out my information.
I have averted an identity theft problem. Next morning I call the company and talk to another person.
 I explain my situation and he asks me some questions.

   "Do you have the phone number of who called you on caller id?"

    I did but it is at the other phone and since I am in a cast it would take me an hour to get there. So I decline to go get it, without explaining. His voice becomes cool.

     "What kind of car is it? What make and year?"

     "Uh, I don't know. Toyota, one of those sedans. Couple years old, maybe?"

     I don't sound like I am too alert. Finally he digs up the information and informs me. "Oh, yes, I see what the problem is. You are 13 days late on your payment."

     "How could that be? I just mailed it and it was 2 weeks early."
     I looked again at the payment stub. It had been due in February, not March. Wrong month. Which means I have another one to pay somewhere. Damn. I decided I better come clean and get some sympathy.

     "Well, see I have a broken leg here and all these bills are piling up on my desk and I must have forgotten them."

      Dead silence.
     "The check's in the mail now as we speak. It has been a hard time here. I usually don't have late payments." I know how lame I sound. I'm babbling.
     "Yes, ma'am." His tone sounds like the voices of emotionless orderlies in the white coats at the retirement home.
Our conversation is over. Jeanne Kraus rules.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My Last Breath

Last Wishes

     OK, no one really wants to think about kicking the bucket. It seems, though, as if I have plenty of extra time on my hands these days to do nothing but think. I have two more weeks to hobble around in this cast so might as well do some future planning. I'm sure not getting any housework done.
     Whether I think about it or not, someday I am going to leave this material world and come back as a... Well, that part I have not figured out yet. How can they improve on the original model? So let me not waste time with things I can't control.
     I read an article recently about a feisty woman who died at age 105. She was an avid smoker all her life, a habit of at least a pack a day. Smoking seemed to be her major hobby, so her loving friends and family buried her with her favorite cigarettes in her hands, a cigarette flower wreath and a memorial ashtray. Not sure if this was intended to be a message to the non-smoking public, a kind of last "ha ha" from the deceased or if her friends felt that her way to heaven was paved with tars and nicotine. The whole situation made me think.
      I had better make my wishes known before some kind soul decides to bury me with something that will drive me crazy through all eternity. I think it's not enough to say what you would like to have buried with you, like pictures of your loved ones, etc, a special piece of jewelry. I would like to make it clear what three things should not be going with me. 
     1. The singing fish that I have on my counter, the one that sings "Give me back that Filet-o-Fish, Give me that fish!" Don't allow him to go with me.
     2. My little flush toilet keyring that actually makes a flushing noise. Please send that to my sister.
     3. And while you're at it, leave out the Energizer bunny. What if someone thinks I'd like that because of my never ending energy and wacky ways? He'd be walking back and forth clanging his cymbals. I'd have to grab his little bunny ears and tie them…Oh, wait, that’s right, I would be dead.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Humor Needed Badly

     OK I have been sitting around watching reruns on TV, limping around on my cast, and generally annoyed at both my knees for failing me at various times in my life. Time for some funny stuff. I researched "funny stuff" and, as usual, came up with a plethora of unusual stories.

     First of all some funny ads that caught my eye.

See What Happens!
22 year old white male, 6'4" and 190 lbs. Janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes. Seeks 19-32 year old female. (My husband too can clean 3 bathrooms in 20 mins.)

Handsome Rake

Out of work leaf raker/bagger seeks whimsical beauty with unkempt auburn or chestnut hair, cool and coarse hands, and a penchant for whistling.

Talking Dog

Speaks in 4 languages, only $50.00


Tag Heuer mens watch with bright yellow dial, it's not gay, it's European.


Spanish Tooter needed for a 7 year old student. (A Tooter? Really?)

Winter Sale

5 Horse Americana snow blower, tecumseh engine, track drive, good shape. Used only on snowy days.

More to come tomorrow! Visit for more examples!

Friday, March 4, 2011

Charlie's Sheen

     Well, here I am sitting at home with my fractured knee-bone in a cast and bored out of my skull. I can't be up for too long. Got to keep the knee elevated which is not the best position in a long cast from hip to ankle. Bout all I can do effectively is watch TV, nothing with any intricate plot or substance to it because my focus is not good with me being laid up and all.  I have seen many episodes of Law and Order, and NCIS, remembering David McCallum fondly as Illya Kuryakin from The Man from UNCLE.

     Discoveries I have made:

     You can watch Law and Order a few times, then flip the channel and see some of the same episodes again in case you were dozing.

     I have about $1500.00 worth of stuff I want to order from the TV. There is some really cool stuff on there.

     There is no more Regis and Kelly, just Kelly but today she had Josh Groban on and he was adorable.

     I have been keeping way too updated on Charlie Sheen's latest moves. Every sound, every expression, every nuance of expression. It is amazing how people get into the destruction of a human being, bit by bit. I am thinking that my knee in a cast is just a small problem compared to his. I am also thinking that even me, with my paper shorts on my head, appears to be more normally situated than Charlie Sheen. And I wonder how his Dad is coping with all of this.

     And I have time to appreciate my little wiener dog, the faithful dog who sleeps at my side. She gets up and follows me everywhere and lays down again wherever I go. Then when I go back, she is there again, my protector and my heart.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Let's Procrastinate Again

    Well today I have a good reason for straying off topic. Tuesday I managed to fall on a couple of cement (really hard) stairs and bang up my whole leg. It is pretty painful. I got to the orthopedist Wednesday after a 20 minute telephone call (waiting on hold, listening to easy listening music to calm my rattled nerves.) But the x-ray showed a fractured patella, along with the usual arthritis. In addition, my giant sized knee had to have knee juice sucked out of it with a sharp sharp sharp LONGGGGGG needle!

     Needless to say it had been very hard getting around with a really painful leg so I brought out the family crutches, the FreeCycle wheelchair and the ice bags. Wednesday the doctor added a beautiful purple cast to the leg from the hip to the ankle. It was a good fashion statement as you will see on my  picture. Went well with my tie-dyed shirt and my paper shorts that I was awarded at the doctor. Love those paper shorts.

     Unfortunately, some problems have surfaced because of the cast. It is long and straight and I cannot bend the knee so it is very difficult to get up from a sofa, chair, car seat and most of all, a toilet.  I cannot put excessive weight on the other knee in order to pull myself up, because, believe it or not, it is in worse shape, or at least it was, than the other knee.  There is no such thing as moving with urgency for me. The phone rang and I missed 2 calls before I could get to the phone. An urgent bathroom call came in the middle of an online Family Feud game and I ended up losing the entire game because A. it took me too long to crutch there and B. I could not lift myself off the toilet. "Help! I'm finished and I can't get up!"

     Last night I realized the importance of keeping the phone near me. It took me 20 minutes to answer the phone. The caller had hung up by the time I got there. The good thing is that I am eating and drinking less so that I will not need to go to the bathroom as much.
      George has to go to a mystery writer's conference this weekend. He may find me in the same position on Sunday that he left me in on Thursday. Should be interesting.
By the way, the top picture shows my cast outfit in all its glory. The second picture shows you how you can accessorize with the paper shorts. Nice touch, I think.