Friday, July 22, 2011

Who Am I, Really?

     I am having this spell of uncontrolled insomnia. I am up most of the night till about 5:00 AM and then I finally pass out into a deep sleep till about 9:30 AM. It is very annoying. However, I have found a whole new world of TV.
     Did you know that you can watch a "Get A Better Bra" infomercial at almost any time of the night? Approximately 10 of my channels are in Spanish, another 5-6 are wrestling, there's usually a couple "Praise the Lord" shows, and of course reruns. Law and Order, House, Bones, Seinfeld, Friends and Everyone Loves Raymond are topping the numbers of times shown. Then there are a number of informercials, which in my weakened sleep-deprived state, look very interesting to me.
     There are some things I can do while not sleeping. I play Scrabble and other word games online. I play Family Feud, a really annoying game but hey...I'm awake. I catch up on Facebook and emails. That's why you get messages from me at all hours.
     I have a new philosophy of life based on these experiences.
1. Sleep is highly under-rated. If you can sleep, enjoy it.
2. The best channel to watch in the wee hours is one that has just the Test Pattern showing. It keeps you from getting too involved in the plot.
3. Men (husbands) are especially annoying when you can't sleep. Obviously, nothing stays on their brains at night. Mine falls asleep instantly and thoroughly as I toss and turn.

Even my dog is sleeping.
And my cats.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Want to Know What I'm Doing?

     The Modern Age of Technology is truly amazing. My Facebook friends and family members can let me know at any given time where they are. The first time this happened my older son Jeff was driving down from Orlando to visit. He connected me up to a tracker so that I could see where he was the whole trip. It worked really well. When the car showed that it was at our street, there he was, outside the door.  But it meant that I spent much more time than necessary seeing where he was every few minutes on the computer.

     Now everyone lets you know on Facebook where they are. They must all think their schedules are terribly interesting.
12:36 ________ checked into Home Depot.         
1:00  ________ went to Dairy Queen
2:00 ________ went to Water Wonderland 
9:00 ________ is at the mall.

What I am finding out that is interesting is that (1). My kids eat out a lot more than I do. Bummer. (2). Most people are leading more interesting lives than I am. Another Bummer. (3). Many people go on vacation in the summer. I know what airports they are at, who they are with, and where they are going. 

My vacation consists of the area around Tamarac, Fl. So I am going to post my goings on also. Just to be part of the crowd. I don't have an I-phone so will have to post them by hand. Here is a sample.
10:00 Head to bathroom to pee.
10:30 Take dog outside to pee.
10:45 Look for cat who is missing.
10:55 Pee again.
11:00 Computer time
11:30 Look for cat again. Still missing. She might be under the bed but it is too much effort for me to get down there and back up again.
12:00 Read Facebook to see where everybody else is going. 
12:45 Empty dishwasher and contemplate organizing office
1:00 Play Scrabble on computer. Think about exercise.

Had enough of my day?

Friday, July 15, 2011

No Impact Workout Video Session Three

     Do you have what it takes? What's the size of your equipment? Make sure to view my third video for my No Impact Workout Program.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Leaving My Impact on the World

     Sometimes I wonder about myself.  What causes us to go above and beyond other normal human beings to create things that will leave our lasting imprint on the scores of humanity who will come after us and scratch their heads at the term "Baby Boomers?"

     Will they be searching, as archeologists do, in ancient mounds in the year 3000 to sift through chicken wing bones and dirty laundry and totally non-degradable computers to find blogs about  all sorts of topics from toilets to peeing to lack of exercise and blatherings of all sorts of you-had-to-be-there topics?

     Or will the ramblings of ancient Baby Boomers be scoffed at as earwax in the ears of a turbulent society that no longer exists, other than in songs and writings. As I work on creating my No Impact Videos for Exercise, I wonder, who but Jeanne Kraus would waste her time in such a way?

     Then I watched several other YouTUbe videos and mine started to look polished and, um, even planned out. By the way, I just read about a woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16 pound child. I guess if I am going to leave the world some startling inheritance, I am glad that it is smaller than a breadbox, especially if it is going through my birth canal! Ouch.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Here it is....No Impact Workout Video Session Two

     Well here it is. The second in the series of earth-shattering videos on the changing theories about exercise. Please feel free to share it with your friends. Hope you have a laugh or two.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

No Impact Workout Video Session Two

Help! I exercised and I can't get up!
Skilled Workout Warrior
She looks mad! That could be me.

How Inviting!
     Just wanted to mention that my second YouTube video should be out VERY SOON. Well, not in 10 minutes but hopefully by Friday it should be, as they say in movie world, "in the can."

     Or maybe I'll be in the can. If you've read my book, you know all about that.  Making a video is not as easy as people make it look. I can spend a couple of days on one 2 minute clip. Even the folks at Videos For Dummies would be appalled.

     I'm sure that the Exercise World wonders just what Jeanne Kraus could have to say in order to justify not only 1, but perhaps a string of related videos. I wonder too. We'll see.

Not Jeanne Kraus

Mmm. Could Be!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Querying With Attitude

     So you are afraid to send out the results of all your hard work? It happens, but eventually it has to get out there. Being that mine is a humor book, I took a humorous approach to querying. See what you think.

Dear Publisher/Agent/Person Who Makes Things Happen: 
     Know up front that I'm not making your already hectic and cram-packed day worse. In fact, I plan on making life less complicated, more exciting, a breath of fresh air.

     To assist you in locating the great American woman's humor book, I present to you Wrinkles, Waistlines, and Wet Pants. I have thoroughly researched your company. This is no hasty eeny-meeny-miny-mo decision. I'm absolutely sure you'd be the best venue for a soon-to-be-hilariously successful book.

     I'm certain your slush piles are 95% totally inappropriate; genres  your company doesn't handle, such as poetry or Christian writing. Perhaps the writing is amateurish, poorly done, with no regard to grammar or proper English language. Certain submissions with foul language have curled your toes and arched your back.

     You're so over the Harry Potter wannabees and the thousands of romance boilerplate novels cranked out on a daily basis. You know you're not going to be able to read all of this crap on company time because your day is a relay race from one meeting to another, interspersed with urgent and not-so-urgent phone calls.

     At the end of the work day, you slide the top two inches of your latest slush pile into your briefcase and vow to read whenever you have a few minutes of down time, in between traffic jams, stopping for groceries and gasoline, picking up the dry cleaning, and helping the kids with homework.

     Lo and behold! A few unexpected minutes are awarded to you. You pull out the first few envelopes. The one with the bright red envelope releases a shower of confetti on you as you tear open the envelope.You'll be finding those sparkly decorations for the next five months. You're a little pissed that you fell for the red envelope trick again.

     The second envelope contains a form letter, obviously sent to many other houses, although the author claims it to be an exclusive submission. The blank after Dear ______________ has been filled in, unfortunately not with the your name but the name of a different publisher. In addition, the author neglected to sign the letter. Another Oops!

     You're on a mission, a miner searching for a gem. So far, only rocks and cubic zirconia have showed themselves. None of the real stuff. Of course, the musical card that played the song "Do I Make You Proud?" by Taylor Hicks was a nice touch but come on! Who does this stuff? You want good writing, not a frickin' musical card!

     You're now wishing you had saved that bottle of wine you received from that hopeful would-be author last week. You might need a couple glasses of wine to plow through these.

     But then...the last one of the night makes you forget how tired you are, and that you have some paperwork to do before the morning. You read. And read some more. Your heart beats faster, a giggle escapes and your think to yourself. This is what I was looking for!

     It begins...
      Wrinkles, elastic waistbands and peeing have taken over my life. The day of my 50th birthday was the biggest wake-up call ever. It was finally time to take a critical look at myself to determine what the hell had happened. My body had matured, but Mother Nature had cruelly switched over to the express track. The speed with which I had aged had accelerated to an unbelievable momentum.

     There is no turning back. Once I overtook that half-century marker, my body developed an iron will of its own, exacting revenge for all of the rampant abuse I had heaped upon it during my earlier years. Simple coughs and sneezes now may require changes in underwear. Gravity is the victor in the ongoing tug-of-war between my top and my bottom. My body weight has been forced to migrate from my northern hemisphere south to my equator. One fateful day, I viewed myself in the mirror and realized that I had morphed into a human Tinker-Toy.
     The illustrations make you laugh out loud. You want to read more about Tinker Toy Woman.
     I can help you with that.

     For more information contact me at your earliest convenience.
     Jeanne Kraus