SCBWI Conference

     Next weekend is the Florida Conference for the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators. I always look forward to it. The workshops are great and the speakers are so motivating that I come home and write, write, write for weeks. Where else can you be surrounded by gifted creative writers and illustrators for a whole weekend?

     It never fails to amaze me. Elaine Landau is always there, working away on her laptop, adding to her 300+ nonfiction titles that the kids in my school just love to read. Frank Remkiewiecz, illustrator,  is usually there with his Horrible Harry and Froggy Books that I love so much. They are both so kind and supportive. Both Elaine and Frank have given me free books for my school which they generously autographed. It can't get any better than that.

      Besides our regular authors that attend every year, like Joyce Sweeney, Donna Gephart, Alex Flinn, Laurie Friedman and Gloria Rothstein, there will be authors there that we don't get to see often. This year, Bruce Hale will be back to entertain us and teach us, and hopefully to do his Elvis impersonation at the Saturday Night Costume Ball! I've hobnobbed with Dave Barry,  Kate DiCamillo, Lee Bennett Hopkins, Pat Street, David Diaz and Carol Nevius.

     We "catch" colds from one another.  Can we catch talent? All I know is if one of our authors sneezes, I hope to be there downwind to snatch up any droplets of talent that I can. One thing for sure...authors are extremely generous and giving of time to share with those who are in the pre-author status. They give back to their craft over and over. Miami, here I come!

The Mystery of Facebook

     Computers are mysterious contraptions indeed. I still can't figure out how all the information travels around in outer space and gets sucked down to each of our computers. I figure it is one of those things I will never understand, like a fax machine. Anyway, one thing that I can do on the computer is to eliminate my excessive emails from my inbox. I try to do that periodically so that I don't have thousands of emails cluttering up my computer's memory. This last time, while I was at it, I thought to myself..."Hmm. I have a lot of posts on Facebook. I should get rid of them, too."

     I started working on them one morning. I "hid" many posts that were no longer pertinent to my life and continued in this fashion for about 3 hours. At the end of the time, my neck and shoulders were cramped and I had a headache. I started to wonder if all of this work was necessary, especially since the same Facebook comments kept reappearing.

     So I called Jeff, my oldest son. "Promise not to laugh..." I started out my conversation.

     "I can't guarantee that, Mom. I most likely will laugh. Is it a question about technology?"

     Doggone him. "Well, I've been cleaning up my Facebook posts. But I keep going and going and it feels like I am deleting the same posts over and over again. So I am wondering if I am doing it wrong."

     "Why do you want to do that?"

     "I don't know. Don't I need to make more memory room? Clean up my computer? "

     "Mom, Facebook messages..." here he sought for an explanation that I might be able to grasp. "...don't go anywhere. They are on the Facebook server. They are not on your memory. Leave them alone."

     That was a new concept. I can not get a handle on all those messages being nowhere. This technology stuff is too confusing.

     So I will go back to deleting old emails and letting my Facebook messages pile up till they come spilling out of the computer screen and down onto the floor, across my office and out the door into the neighborhood. It's technology.

Drums of War

     Today, I have discovered how techno-useless I truly am.

      “Not true,” you say. “You already know that. We all know that!”

     Well, today I reached the true depths of techno-despair. George and I  tried out our new Tom-Tom, instrument of torture we received as a gift from my eldest son Jeff and his fiancée Shannon.

     The first problem we  had with said Tom-Tom is that I wanted to change the voice to a manly one with a British accent.  I was not able to accomplish that feat. We settled for the robot woman voice that was installed in it already. Some things are just too much work to change.

     We were set for our little journey across town. As a precaution, I had looked up our destination on MapQuest and had the map with us. Once in the car, I took charge of the Tom-Tom and tried to input our destination address.  The realization that it would have helped to read the directions did not deter us from attempting to use it.

     I finally got it together and sat holding this little wonder of technology that was going to get to our desired location. George looked at me with irritation.

     “Can you put it on the windshield so I can see it?”

     I was annoyed. “But then I can’t see it. The sun is blocking it out from my side.”

     Nevertheless George had his way and we put the Tom-Tom on the windshield. It fell down. We both scrabbled to get it off the floor. Once again he put it up. It fell down.  I did not mention that it had been just fine when I was holding it in my hand.

     He finally got it mounted on the windshield but now the screen had gone blank. My husband was now done with the Tom-Tom.

     I took the little thing and reset it, amidst a few colorful words.  Voila! It worked. It actually was pretty amazing. We were fascinated with our new toy.

     After our errands,  George asked, “Can it get us back home again?”

     Common sense told me that it could. Jeanne-Sense told me that I did not know how to make that happen.

     “Can you just get home yourself?” I asked him.

     “Yes,” he answered. He drove us home, minus Tom-Tom help. Next time we will use it for both ways. Baby steps.

My Bucket Runneth Over

The Limited Bucket List of Jeanne Kraus

1. Dave Barry

        2. Ellen DeGeneres

     My Limited Bucket list. There are really only two things on my Bucket List. One, to meet Dave Barry and have lunch with him. O.K., I met him and got his autograph. We did not technically have lunch together but we were both at a reception where food was being served. I’m counting that. It was good enough for me. Plus he signed his books, writing "Dear Jeanne. You are a goddess!" Wow!If you notice, in this picture he is holding MY pen in his hand. Unfortunately, I am so overwhelmed that I have a dying cow look on my face. Dave, on the other hand, looks great, considering that he just was held responsible for one half of my Bucket List. 


My other item on my Bucket List is to be on the Ellen Show.  I have made some efforts to contact Ellen, but I am definitely going to have to do more work than I did to locate Dave Barry.  First of all, I have some really good reasons for wanting to meet her.

          Ellen DeGeneres is awesome. What I like about her is that despite her enormous popularity, she hasn’t become  a typical Hollywood fake personality. She appears to be the genuine thing. I mean, I think she is who she appears to be. And I like that about her.

         She’s an animal lover, as am I. I love her animal videos and posts. She loves children, which she also showcases a great deal on her show and on the internet. Her sense of humor allows her to think on her feet and see the funny side everywhere. No wonder I am her biggest fan. She gets the absurdity of everyday life. Not everyone can do that.

         Unfortunately, one thing is  lacking. On the Ellen show, she has a parade of young talented kids on her show, singers, musicians, dancers, scores of very young children who are already making a difference in the world. I love it; I am a veteran elementary education teacher and bringing out the best in kids is an ongoing and wonderful part of my job.

         However, Ellen has under-represented the Baby Boomer segment of society, specifically me.  I have written a totally hilarious book designed for Baby Boomer Women, (Wrinkles, Waistlines and Wet Pants) which is also illustrated by my Baby Boomer sister. I sent her the book and several letters, and she has not invited me to be a part of her show. 

     I do understand she probably didn't get the letters. I mean, there are probably millions of staff members sorting through her fan mail. But Ellen is missing a really good chance to stand up for Baby Boomers everywhere. 

     And I am the obvious choice for an honor of this magnitude.
First, there is the Bucket List issue. No one messes with someone else's Bucket List. Dave Barry is resting easy now that I have achieved meeting him. Ellen deserves the same.

     Secondly, many of her new talents are young children. They have  whole lifetimes to make it to the Ellen Show. I am 60. The children have  headstarts on me by decades. It’s really not my fault that I was a late-bloomer.

DO THE MATH, ELLEN!

How long will Jeanne Kraus be around?

Panties

OK I am using you all as experimental guinea pigs. I noted that on the days when I have the word "Panties" in my title, I have tons of people click in to read whatever I have said about them. Even people in South Africa and in far corners of the world.

In my researching phase of life, then, I am just checking to see if my hypothesis is true. If you put the word "Panties" in your title, more people will click on. You be the judge. If you are here reading this, and you have never been on my blog before, I say it is working.

We are getting ready to go to New Year's Eve dinner with my son, Cory, and my daughter-in-law, Ashlee. It is our first dinner where they (Ashlee) have cooked for us so I am looking forward to it, playing with the cats, and enjoying being with them. Life is good right now.

Just in case you are wondering, I am wearing panties. Have a great Happy and Safe New Year, everyone!

The Week After Christmas

Yes, I know I just wrote another blog on Self-Cleaning Ovens but I thought you, the readers, might enjoy my take on "The Week After Christmas."


‘Twas the week after Christmas
And Jeanne was still working
The shopping all finished
The housework she’s shirking

The cats are lying all snug in their beds
While visions of catnip danced in their heads.
The dryer was spinning the laundry with care.
In hopes that someone would soon be right there.

The washer had started, the clothes were all in it
But the pile of laundry had grown by the minute
with underwear, tablecloths, towels by the score
alas, the poor washer just couldn’t take more.

We put away presents, we took down the tree
We swept broken ornaments , just 2 or 3
Shiny glass ornaments make good cat toys
Swinging and swaying, and CRASH, what a noise!

The doggie had doodled once more on the rug
“Too cold to go peepee,” she said with a shrug.


The list of the things I must do is too long
I’ve crossed off the first three
Now I’m going strong

But wait, there are messages now in my box
My Kindle is waiting; I need my warm sox.
I should be writing and cleaning my home
But it’s time for a nap so just leave me alone!

Self-Cleaning? Really?

If you have been reading my blog, you probably remember that I had a dastardly cookie explosion in my oven during the week before Christmas. The peanut butter cookies (with the Hershey's kiss in the middle) slid right off the cookie sheet and landed in the bottom of the oven, igniting a few flames here and there.

I hoped that some little elves would come in and take care of it for me so I left it go till the next day. In the afternoon, I peeked in the oven and 'twas a sorry sight. The oven was a mess. I do have a magical self-cleaning oven, but this looked like too much for even an experienced oven. So I tried to wipe some of the slick black mass off the bottom of the oven. Alas, my arm muscles need more development for that type of torture. I gave in and turned on the self-cleaner mechanism. Time for the big guns.

The next day I am prepared to wipe out the ashes and dust that would be flaking my oven floor. I wiped it with a cloth. Some of it came off but the rest held tight. What was I to do? What I always do. Consult the internet.

The women on the internet recommended an Easy-Off product that has no fumes, so you don't asphyxiate as you clean. It is used for "self-cleaning ovens", which is beginning to sound like an oxymoron to me. Today I sprayed some on and was able to wipe away a bit of it but there is way more to go.

This brings to light many concerns facing me and my family.

1. Should Jeanne Kraus be allowed near an oven?
2. Should "self-cleaning ovens" be renamed?
3. If I have a self-cleaning oven, how come I am back to Easy-Off with the rubber gloves? I have taken a major step back in time.
4. Did men invent self-cleaning ovens? What do you want to bet?