Where Were You?

   
     Reflecting on 9/11 has made me feel like I have lived a century. At my elementary school we had a patriotic assembly dressed in our red, white and blue. It was dedicated to the victims of 9/11. As we sang "God Bless America" I realized that almost all of the children in the cafeteria were not even born on that horrific day. It is not even real to most of them.
     There are so many of those "I remember exactly what I was doing at that moment" times during my life.  

         The explosion of the Challenger, particularly touching with a teacher aboard, was caught on TV with all schoolchildren in the nation watching. The first steps on the moon. The assassination of John Kennedy, Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King. The loss of John Lennon and Elvis Presley.

        I remember the first time hearing about JFK, Jr.'s plane going down as I shopped for a dress at the local mall. And of course, Princess Di, her fairy tale wedding and the tragic end of her life.

     The yellow ribbons tied on all the trees when hostages came home. The loss of Adam Walsh, which erased our innocence regarding parenting and safety. 

And yes, the trial of O.J. Simpson, which I wish was not one of the things I remember, but who could forget the stunned look on everyone's face? Mine included.

     Who would believe we would live through so many world events?  Thank God for the lighter memories, such as the Halley's Comet fiasco, where people planned comet parties and we all stayed up late to see...well, nothing.The long-awaited marriage of Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki on TV. 

And the long anticipated live on TV Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's vault and finding...well, squat.  
      What are your life milestones that you recall?
     

Fortunately, Unfortunately

   

 
     There is a great kids' book by Remy Charlip, the title of which is "Fortunately, Unfortunately." The whole book is a series of events in the life of a little boy; good event with bad one following, all through the book. I use it to help kids write with the same pattern.
     Despite the fact that the book is written about a little boy, I know that the author was talking about Jeanne Kraus. I feel as though I am the original dark cloud-silver lining person. My life as of late has followed this pattern beautifully.

Yesterday

Fortunately, I got to sleep in till 7:30 cause my loving husband thought it was Saturday.
Unfortunately, it was Friday and I was late to work.
Fortunately, the school managed without me.
Unfortunately, in my rush to work, I left some important things at home that I needed.
Fortunately, I had a lot of other things to do at work.

Unfortunately, I will have a busy weekend working now.
Fortunately, I have stayed healthy and out of the hospital for 2 weeks now.
Unfortunately, George reminded me that I was told to visit a pulmonologist to check on my lung capacity.
Fortunately, I found a listing for a doctor in my area that takes my insurance.

Unfortunately, his name is Dr. Weiner.   
Fortunately, I have a cute little weiner dog named Maggie.
Unfortunately, I can't help wondering if Congressman Weiner has somehow become certified as a pulmonologist.

 

Back to the USSR (Oops, ER)

    Well a week later I found that I missed the friendly atmosphere of our local hospital ER and George and I decided, well, actually, I decided that I needed to go back. A wonderfully itchy rash had spread on my chest, my arms and on my back. I had gone to get some meds for it at an urgent care clinic but it was moving toward my neck and ears and that was spooking me. So we went back to see if I had picked some nasty Jeanne-killing virus, or if it was just an allergy reaction. Unfortunately we got there at a busy time.

   

No one I saw looked smiling. And their hair looked like crap. Mine included.

A rash that looked like mine 'cept mine was better.

The room was packed with people in various states of distress. One man carried one of those barf condoms I talked about in my last blog. We stayed away from him. Two babies and a teen ager came in with horrible coughs. The boy got masked up right away. We stayed away from him too.

We arrived at 8:30 pm and I was called into Triage to see if I had a life threating condition that would make me die in the waiting room. I tried to think of something. "Any pain? No, just extreme itching."
"Are you having trouble breathing?" Only when I start to panic. Does that count?"

I thought I saw some concern in her face and reported to George. "I'm a shoe-in. They don't want me to freak out here in front of all these suffering souls. I got out my cell phone and played Angry Birds. Eventually the angry birds were run down by dead batteries and the angry birds just tweeted to the ground.

At 11:30 PM we are still waiting. There were several pathetic looking people wrapped in blankets. But there were people coming out the exits, 2 broken arms, 1 broken leg, stitches above the eye. The room was emptying and we were still there.

George tried to be positive. "It's almost empty." He said.
"Yeah its empty, " I said. "they're all in there!" I pointed to the innermost sanctum of the Er.

For 2 more hours we endured the hyena-like laughing of the three people sitting next to us. Evidently they felt the whole world was funny, and they guffawed throughout all of the Late Show, which I was at least trying to watch.

At last we are in. We get a doctor that does not have the most awe-inspiring appearance but seems nice. He looks like a kid, for God's sake. Anyway he says there are 2 kinds of rashes, kinds that kill you and kinds that annoy you. He THINKS I Don't have the kind that kills people. Yay!

You know what is funny/ WE are there 6 hours, he tells me to stay on the same meds I am already on and to see how the rash does. The next day it starts to get better. SO I figure it was a bargain. Where else can you go on a Tuesday night for 6 hours, (with a 100.00 co-payment) watch TV and relax. The people watching alone was a show. ANd the rash started to improve the next morning. (We threatened it with the ER though.

I admit it was nice that they remembered me there. It might have been that incident when the nurse came in and I was bending over to pick up something, butt totally exposed in my untied gown which was practically falling off. It wasn't a pretty picture.

The Jeanne Kraus Wing

What a Relief!

     Well, I have not been up to my usual blogging this week. A trip to the hospital interfered with my writing process. Abdominal pains once again convinced me that I must have appendicitis so off we went to the E.R. It turned out, several tests, many blood-lettings and one colonoscopy later that they determined that my colon, like the rest of me, is 61 years old. Yes, it is aging. I have a pre-condition to diverticulitis, which means I have to observe my diet. No more nightly popcorn, or seeds, or nuts. I know that some of you have not had the experience of a colonoscopy so I decided I would enlighten you, my reading audience, on my experiences, complete with authentic pictures.
First of all, the nurse, smiling, brought me
this lovely jar of "Golytely" and informed
me that I would be drinking all of it. It
tastes like nuclear seawater with nothing
at all pleasant about it. I managed to sip
it through the night. Some of it accidentally
fell in the toilet.

This is called Golytely. It's an oxymoron.

The very same toilet.

 I know you are wondering...why on earth did she take a picture of the toilet? Well, I can honestly say that I developed a very close personal connection with this very toilet. As a matter of fact, I wondered if my rear end had round marks imprinted into it when I went into the procedure room for my colonoscopy, causing fits of laughter among the doctors and nurses.

So that was the procedure. Adding to the mix was the monitor I had to wear at all times. It hung from cords which were attached to my chest. The monitor was annoying. If you wanted to sleep on your side, you had to flip the monitor to the opposite side. If you let it drop, you worried about what your heart rate was saying about you at the command center. It itched. Here is the monitor, unattached.

My monitor

Additional equipment in case of emergency.

I was glad to say goodby to that sucker. My other equipment consisted of a porta potty. I vowed that only a true emergency would facilitate the use of the porta potty. When I left, it was as pristine as the day I arrived. Even I have my limits.

Barf Condom, Tricky Hospital Gown, Monitor Patches, and Menu

I did come home from the hospital with some souvenirs. Of course, the obligatory welcome kit that I don't use, came home with me. After all, my insurance probably paid big bucks for that plastic bin, comb, bar of soap, lotion and baby powder. I also took the box of tissues.  Other souvenirs included one hospital gown (just so I can finally figure out how to effectively close it),  some patches that were hooked up to me and a new improved barfing convenience from the ER. Remember the kidney shaped pans they used to give you? No longer. Now they give you something that looks like a giant condom. It was so cool I just had to have it. Oh, and the menu of my last meal there.

Marketing to Senior Citizens

   According to my AARP magazine, employees simulate being older. They place hard little pebbles or kernels in their shoes to see what it’s like to walk with aches and pains. They plug up their ears to simulate hearing loss. Nice touch. But they’ve got a long way to go.

     Guess what? Baby boomers and senior citizens are an important target group in the marketing world. As a Baby Boomer, I am considered as a widespread (no pun intended) part of most marketing strategies.

    Well-known companies are now requiring employees to doctor themselves up to feel like old people.  If they can experience life from the point of view of the elderly or almost-elderly consumer, this insight will  create much more old person friendly products and services.

   Car manufacturers produce aging suits for workers to wear to stuff themselves into compact cars as paunchy senior citizens. These stuffed employees are also asked to read road maps with vision impairing glasses. Again, a nice start.

   To me, these attempts just graze the surface of sensitivity. Yes, employees can use canes and wheelchairs at work, and so on but there are other issues I would like to see addressed…

    How about some Urination-Triggers so that men/women are urinating at a frequency of about 10 times their normal rate? And switches that causes them to pee when they laugh, cough and sneeze?

     How about practicing passing excessive gas? Experiment with trying to hold the gas in, and then blasting it out as loudly as you can. Practice looking unconcerned and uninvolved as gas emissions erupt.

     Simulate bald spots, sagging breasts, and expanded midsections. All of these factors influence what you buy and why you buy it. For example, sagging breasts cause women, or men, to tire easily when shopping. Products need to be placed in conspicuous, easy to reach areas.

     It’s easy enough to simulate the feeling of sagging breasts. Attach a couple of rice-filled feedbags at the neck. Allowing them to droop to the waist could garner the everyday sensation of sagging breasts. Think of how this could affect choices in clothing or underwear.

     Wear a doughnut shaped life preserver around the waist to experience the difficulties caused by an expanded midsection. Problems with zippers, and getting into restaurant booths will be made much more obvious to the employees.

   It’s great that they are attempting to think like seniors, but I feel that these companies have a lot more work to do. These were nice tries but why didn’t they just hire a senior citizen to tell them what they want to know?

     I am almost a senior citizen. I would have been glad to grunt my way into the back of a car seat and be extricated with the Jaws of Life. I am perfect for that part.

     And who needs vision impairing glasses? I already have impaired vision.

     It’s a crazy world we live in, manufacturing fake senior citizens. Think about it. Just go outside and wave down one of those oversize non-economy cars driven by a senior citizen who is shorter than the height of the dashboard.

     It seems that now we have people trying to look younger all the time and people who are trying to see what it is like to be older. If everyone goes back to being their own age, we will be much better off.

Try to Remember

     I used to love that song, Try to remember the kind of September 
when...well, of course, I can't remember the rest of the lyrics. But it seems to be MY song, or rather, George's and my song. 
 

     I used to think that between us we had one workable brain. Now I think we're coming up a bit short, maybe a mini-brain. Yesterday, we couldn't remember if the cleaning lady was coming over or the man who mows our lawn. We decided the cleaning lady would be coming and elected to move our writers' group out to the back porch. The rains came and the wind whipped us up into a frenzy. We retreated indoors where we got a call from the lawn man saying that because of the rain, he would come the next day.



     But my favorite thing I did this week has to do with my new iPhone. Technology is not my thing but I have been pretty successful with it. And I love it! I bought a rubbery-feeling cover for it which fits over it like a tight skin (unlike mine which is wrinkly) but I came to a problem when I had to recharge the phone. I couldn't find the place to stick the cord in.
     It turns out the case covers it up which annoyed the heck out of me. So for the first couple of times I was taking the whole cover off to recharge and putting it back on when done. Then lo and behold I detected that you could recharge it without taking the cover off, just by lifting a little flap. A big flap about a little flap. That's my life.

Tamarac Tsunami

     If it is not one thing to worry about it's another. As of late, natural disasters have been plentiful, causing me to take pause and wonder if we need to rethink our excessive lifestyles, or rather, if you guys need to rethink YOUR extravagant lifestyles. Mine hardly qualifies. But any way, here in south Florida we had a tornado touch down last week not far from here and Tropical Storm Emily is causing us some wind and needed rainshowers. 
     But today I learned that Florida is in line for yet another tide of misfortune, one they have titled the "Silver Tsunami." The numbers of aging senior citizens developing Alzheimer's is rising. It is a little scary to think that today's retirees will be walking around and mumbling in a wave of other older Floridians in just a few years. And it made me worry about myself.

My future?

     Fortunately, I have prepared my boys for such an eventuality. I have started forgetting things on a regular basis. I say the same things over and over again. It's all in the training. But it is a scary outlook for us almost-to-be-retired. Seems that the numbers have risen because we are living longer and healthier. Again more of my case against exercise and eating healthy.
     But I am still full of surprises. Today I did something that totally surprised me. I went to turn in my cell phone for an upgrade and ended up with an I-Phone.
Never thought it would happen. The low-tech person with an I-Phone. That will show my son Jeff, who told me my phone was "poo."

Poo Phone

New Phone