Querying With Attitude

     So you are afraid to send out the results of all your hard work? It happens, but eventually it has to get out there. Being that mine is a humor book, I took a humorous approach to querying. See what you think.

Dear Publisher/Agent/Person Who Makes Things Happen: 
     
     Know up front that I'm not making your already hectic and cram-packed day worse. In fact, I plan on making life less complicated, more exciting, a breath of fresh air.

     To assist you in locating the great American woman's humor book, I present to you Wrinkles, Waistlines, and Wet Pants. I have thoroughly researched your company. This is no hasty eeny-meeny-miny-mo decision. I'm absolutely sure you'd be the best venue for a soon-to-be-hilariously successful book.

     I'm certain your slush piles are 95% totally inappropriate; genres  your company doesn't handle, such as poetry or Christian writing. Perhaps the writing is amateurish, poorly done, with no regard to grammar or proper English language. Certain submissions with foul language have curled your toes and arched your back.

     You're so over the Harry Potter wannabees and the thousands of romance boilerplate novels cranked out on a daily basis. You know you're not going to be able to read all of this crap on company time because your day is a relay race from one meeting to another, interspersed with urgent and not-so-urgent phone calls.

     At the end of the work day, you slide the top two inches of your latest slush pile into your briefcase and vow to read whenever you have a few minutes of down time, in between traffic jams, stopping for groceries and gasoline, picking up the dry cleaning, and helping the kids with homework.

     Lo and behold! A few unexpected minutes are awarded to you. You pull out the first few envelopes. The one with the bright red envelope releases a shower of confetti on you as you tear open the envelope.You'll be finding those sparkly decorations for the next five months. You're a little pissed that you fell for the red envelope trick again.

     The second envelope contains a form letter, obviously sent to many other houses, although the author claims it to be an exclusive submission. The blank after Dear ______________ has been filled in, unfortunately not with the your name but the name of a different publisher. In addition, the author neglected to sign the letter. Another Oops!

     You're on a mission, a miner searching for a gem. So far, only rocks and cubic zirconia have showed themselves. None of the real stuff. Of course, the musical card that played the song "Do I Make You Proud?" by Taylor Hicks was a nice touch but come on! Who does this stuff? You want good writing, not a frickin' musical card!

     You're now wishing you had saved that bottle of wine you received from that hopeful would-be author last week. You might need a couple glasses of wine to plow through these.

     But then...the last one of the night makes you forget how tired you are, and that you have some paperwork to do before the morning. You read. And read some more. Your heart beats faster, a giggle escapes and your think to yourself. This is what I was looking for!

     It begins...
      Wrinkles, elastic waistbands and peeing have taken over my life. The day of my 50th birthday was the biggest wake-up call ever. It was finally time to take a critical look at myself to determine what the hell had happened. My body had matured, but Mother Nature had cruelly switched over to the express track. The speed with which I had aged had accelerated to an unbelievable momentum.

     There is no turning back. Once I overtook that half-century marker, my body developed an iron will of its own, exacting revenge for all of the rampant abuse I had heaped upon it during my earlier years. Simple coughs and sneezes now may require changes in underwear. Gravity is the victor in the ongoing tug-of-war between my top and my bottom. My body weight has been forced to migrate from my northern hemisphere south to my equator. One fateful day, I viewed myself in the mirror and realized that I had morphed into a human Tinker-Toy.
     The illustrations make you laugh out loud. You want to read more about Tinker Toy Woman.
     I can help you with that.

     For more information contact me at your earliest convenience.
     Sincerely,

     Jeanne Kraus   
    

Finally My No Impact Exercise Video is Here!

     Well I finally finished it. The video took less time than the techno-process to get it all together. Hope you enjoy the first session of No Impact Workout for Baby Boomers.

Lots of Women, Not Much Men

   

     Today I had my yearly visit to the gynecologist. "Oh, no!" you are thinking. "Do I really want to read this blog? Do I really want to know Jeanne Kraus's thoughts on her gyno visit?"

     I can reassure you on one point. All of the thoughts contained herein are my pre-stirrup thoughts. In other words, my blog is based on my waiting room observations. So please feel free to continue to read.

This is not me. I never wear my socks.

     I love people-watching. Of course, the gender ratio in a gyno office is rather off. At any given time, there could be up to 12 women in the office, but at the most, 2 men. Husbands came with the pregnant women and were ushered in with them. One threesome appeared to be a father, his pregnant daughter and her boyfriend.

Who Reads Signs?

     I have other statistics for you. Despite a "No Cell Phones" sign, there were 4 cell phones in use. There was one I-Pad and one Kindle. Three women were reading novels, and 2 women were filling out forms on clipboards. George was writing and I was observing. The only people in the room who watched the TV were the men as they came through, avoiding eye contact with any of the women present.

     One lady, probably in her 20s, kept going to the EXIT, stepping outside for a second and coming back in. I was curious as to what she was doing. At first I thought she was waiting for a ride, and checking to see if it had come. Then I wondered if she was passing gas, and being courteous to the other people in the room. After she had gone out about 5-6 times, she frantically ran to the receptionist and asked to use the bathroom. Yup, must have been gas, I decided. While she was in there, a car pulled up and honked.

     Jeanne, Good Samaritan and Ready Helper, was in a quandary. Do I go out and ask the driver to wait and she will be right out? That she is in the bathroom probably from a bout of diarrhea? Or do I go to the bathroom and knock on the door and tell her to get her butt moving, because her ride is there?
Meanwhile, I am feeling guilt that I am taking too long to decide and she is going to miss her ride and it will be all my fault.

I Remember These Days

     Finally, she comes out of the bathroom, with a paper towel pressed to her nose and lips. OMG! She had morning sickness. The girl was in the early stages of pregnancy.

     All this time, the nurses had been calling women in. The last name called  was "Cobra," a most unusual first name for sure. The variety of women was apparent. There were 3-4 obviously in the pregnancy stages. Several women were my age, probably wishing that once the usefulness of the uterus was no longer needed, we could dispense with the annual pap exam.

     Finally, the name I was waiting for. "Jeanne" and it was time for me to enter Papland once more. It would be one more year before I would have this experience again. Good thing I got it on paper.

Only in America -Random Acts of Bizarreness

    

     For years now, it seems that citizens of other countries find the behavior of American citizens to be somewhat amusing. As a bonafide American, I decided to research this fact. It is stunningly true. There is a lot of wacky stuff going on in the U.S. In many cases, we look like a bunch of buffoons. It's not just Congressman Weiner.

     What about the man experiencing difficulty breathing for years? He had been a smoker and it was predicted he might have cancer. The doctors suspected a tumor. A big surprise when they checked out his lungs more closely. A split pea had lodged in his lung and opened up and had grown a little plant. It was causing him to cough frequently.

    “God has quite a sense of humor!”  said his wife, Nancy Sveden.

     Indeed.

     Most of the fools regularly appear in YouTube episodes and bigger fools, such as me, watch them. Now and again you can capture an amazing little tidbit that you wondered how you missed. I was looking through videos of wedding proposals in highly public places.  This particularly gut-wrenching episode was at some kind of professional basketball game. The action in the game was temporarily halted as a young suitor had his time in the big lights. Big lights, indeed. TV cameras and commentators covered the event.

     A young guy in a suit, heart on sleeve dropped to one knee. He held the hand of his intended.

     “Jodie, we have had a wonderful 2 years together. I love you and would like to ask you to be my wife.” He pulls out the traditional little black box.

     But something’s terribly wrong. His almost-betrothed is staring in shock. She backs away. 

     “No!” she wails as she runs back through the crowd. The camera follows her hasty exit from the floor, tears rolling down her face. 

     Back to the would-be groom. Not only has his relationship dissolved, it has done so on a televised screen seen in most homes of the free world.

     The commentators continue talking.

     Number 1: Well that’s it for him. Poor guy. What a letdown. Bet he’ll never feel like  a man again.

     Number 2: Well he put it out there. I am thinking sometimes it’s just a gamble to be so public.

     Number 1: I wouldn’t have done that and I’ve been married 30 years.

     Number 2: Oh, look, the mascot is cheering him up.

     The crestfallen dishrag of a man is led off the court by a giant duck who puts his wings around the poor guy to shield him from the limelight. 

     Speaking of weddings, I heard an interesting story on a YouTube video broadcast. It seems as though diapers are not only for the very young and the very old, brides are purchasing them. If they wear a wedding diaper all day, it is said, they do not have to worry about going to the bathroom and managing the train and all. They can just go in their diaper.

     Now, isn’t that a pleasant thought? A delicate young woman with a diaper on. A loaded diaper yet. Just when would the odor give her away? Perhaps a wedding thermos needs to be provided for each bride. (Reference to Wrinkles, Waistlines and Wet Pants) 

    Better yet, provide them for the Mother of the Bride.

      I watched an incredible video at a McDonalds where a woman in Ohio went crazy at a drive-through window when she was told that there were no chicken McNuggets served at 6:30 AM. She punched in the window and tried to push her way in, all her antics being caught on camera. What is in those McNuggets? Better get me some of them.

     Then how about the Jet Blue attendant who had a temper tantrum on board? When I was young, the stewardesses were young, trim and female. Their wide smiles could be featured on a toothpaste ad. Their hair was perfect, every strand in place, and their manners impeccable. 

     Fast forward to 2011. We now have men stewards. Some of the stewardesses are a lot older than they used to be. The wide smiles have tended to disappear; replaced with frown lines and stress wrinkles. They deal with passenger rage, annoyed consumers that remember the gratuitous airline meals, such as they were, and the excellent service. Well, this particular attendant, a young man, was hit in the head with a suitcase that a customer had stored overhead, despite his repeated warnings to ask him to take it down. Evidently the passenger made a nasty comment to the attendant with some bad words in it. The attendant went to the intercom, proceeded to publicly berate the passenger with more bad words, grabbed  a couple of beers and slid down the emergency chute in a fantastic super-hero departure departure.

     He has, of course, become somewhat of a folk hero among the masses. I wouldn’t be surprised if a song were dedicated to him, something along the lines of “Take This Job and Shove It!”

From the Kids...

     Last spring, I interviewed a number of children on some fairly important questions. The children were from the ages of 9-13 and were chosen randomly. They had some interesting insight. I thought you might enjoy hearing what they have to say on some chosen topics. Some of their answers really made me think.

What do I wish my parents knew/understood about me?

I wish my parents knew I need a playmate.
I wish my parents knew the hard stuff I have to learn in school that they never had to learn. 
I wish they knew that I will not always get A's and that B's are not bad.
I wish my parents knew that I have feelings too.
I wish my parents knew that I don't like soccer that much any more.
I wish my parents knew I have a kid's brain, not theirs.
I wish they would listen to what I have to say.

I wish my parents knew that I don't always need help.                                     
I wish my parents knew that asthma can be really bad to my health.
I wish they knew I do not like the chili they make.

What should my teacher(s) know about me?

I am very talkative and very noisy.
My teachers should know that I take very good care of my brother and am very responsible.
She should know I do not like calligraphy.
I am smarter than she thinks.
I am sensitive.
My teachers should know that I'm doing my best.
My teacher should know I love her.
I want to do better in school-- So Bad! 
I work hard at everything I do.
I am irresponsible.

Who is the biggest person in my life? Why?

My mom because she always helps me and cares for me.
The biggest people in my life are my parents and God because I love them.
My dad because he raised me.
My grandpa because he is a Vietnam veteran.
My dad because everything I need help on, my dad is there.
The biggest person in my life is my dad because he's the only one working so we could keep our house. 

Spring Cleaning, Freecycling, and Underpants

     Today was a pretty adventurous day in the life of George and Jeanne.  First of all, we did some practice takes on my new YouTube video, No Impact Workouts, which should be done soon once I quit screwing up on the dialogue.

     After a few takes on Training Session Number 1 with helpful comments from my cameraman such as, "You are going to have to be funnier." and "You need to eliminate most of the words." and "OK I admit you need the words but your head is moving too much. Hold your head still."

Spring Cleaning Time

Crap Galore!

 

     Then an amazing thing happened. We both got in the mood to do some spring cleaning. We cleaned out a couple closets and cabinets, stacking excess stuff on our kitchen counter to free-cycle. While I was on the computer to put in an e-mail about all of our Bargain Crap, I found another free-cycle bargain. 

A woman not too far from here, in Coral Springs, was giving away clean underpants for little boys. 

Free Underpants!

 
      Yes, I know you are wondering what on earth I would do with a bag of tightie-whities for little boys. My little boys are 34 and almost 30 and these would just about fit on their hands. But I do work in an elementary school and we have pee-accidents almost every day and need replacements for all the underpants we give out. So we are in search of the underpants lady. I have a little trouble putting the address into my Tom-Tom GPS, and have to do it several times. 

Warning: Put the Tom-Tom on the window!

 I love my Tom-Tom. But today something is different. Oh, the route is showing but the voice is not speaking. We keep driving, however, obedient Baby Boomers that we are, until we find the Coral Springs City Limits sign. We have driven several miles and have not yet heard the voice and have not turned off the first main road. My first thought is that someone is trying to get rid of us and programmed our GPS to keep us driving till we reach Wisconsin.

                                                     
      We pulled off the road and both stared intently at the GPS. I decide to turn it off and on again and reprogram our address. What do you know? It worked. We had gone about 5 miles out of our way to get some boys' underpants. But I figured out the problem.

     I was holding the GPS on my lap, instead of putting it up on the window. I've heard that you should always have it on the window. So it can get the signal. Evidently the only signal it was getting was from the crotch of Jeanne Kraus and that wasn't leading anywhere.

     In case you are wondering we finally picked up the underpants, which are probably way too tiny for most of the kids at my school.

     Now that we are home, I need to figure out what to do with all this stuff I cleaned out!

TV Commercial -No Wait for Weight Loss

   

It is pretty scary to listen to TV commercials that advertise medications. Evidently, every company, in order to preserve their corporate asses, has to mention every side effect of their medication known to man. If you listen to the commercials, you would never take anything again. The dialogue with the dire warnings goes on despite smiling happy people who are leading better lives because of this medication. Take a listen to the words which drum by in a steady beat, lulling you into an unconscious state so that you are not aware of the dire warnings they are preaching. For example, for a product I will name NoWait, you might hear the following warnings.

     NoWait is a safe medication you can take to help control excessive weight gain.

     NoWait should never be taken by women who are pregnant or nursing. Men and women under 65 should not take NoWait unless they have a copy of their will notarized and on file. Men and women with a first name starting with a consonant should avoid taking NoWait.


     NoWait should not be taken before bed or after waking. Be sure that you take it with 16 ounces of pure spring water and avoid dairy products for the next 5 hours. NoWait has been shown to be safe for use on baby piglets and squirrels but may be hazardous to pets and other wild creatures.

     Take NoWait just as the doctor prescribes. Do not change the dosage time and for Pete's sake, don't take more than the prescribed amount. Eat a half a loaf of whole wheat bread before taking NoWait and the rest of the loaf afterward.


     Always take water with NoWait. At no time should you substitute juice, soda, tea, coffee or other beverages, especially alcoholic beverages.

Excessive growth of hair is a possible side effect.

     While considered to be a safe and effective means of weight loss, there are some possibly unpleasant side effects. These may include hair loss, hair growth, sleepiness or sleeplessness. Orange or purple urine has been noted, and excessive weight loss can be accompanies by excessive weight gain in extremities. In rare instances, death, coma or brain injury may occur.

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     Ask your doctor about NoWait! It may be just what you need to get that edge on weight loss!