Cast Party

It has been a while since I have posted. Life is rather sucky right now. Still hobbling around pretty much watching the world go by. But two good things have happened. Number one, visits from my friends have been awesome. I especially want to thank Carol for bringing me "The Help" to read. I am almost done with it and and can't wait to get back to my bed and read it. Such an awesome book! Also my friends who are my Scrabble partners are keeping my brain somewhat clear!

I also made a new friend. When I posted my picture on my blog I got an email from Amy who is in a similar situation as I am. She has a broken ankle and knee, more proof of that it can always be worse. We have shared thoughts on peeing, moving around and how similar our lives are right now. I even have a picture so that you can note the similarities.... The one on the top is me! Damn.

More Bizarre Thoughts from Jeanne

     Call it boredom from being home with this frickin' cast for 2 weeks. YOU are the winners, though. I have some new interesting observations for you. Lucky readers.

First some more ads.

These first 2 are pathetic.

The first one features a Rubber Woman for Sale. Now it is bad enough that it is a Rubber Woman. But she is only $10.00. And she was used "Three Times!"

A few months ago FreeCycle offered a partial tube of Vagisil. Somehow that made me feel a little squeamish. I noted that in a later post, however, it was taken. Guess there is hope for the Rubber Woman.

Here is another one of my favorites: For Sale: Homemade Portable Toilet. Great for Parades.

Here is an interesting trade offered: Older Clothes Dryer: Works well but needs new home. Will trade for 2 large packages Oreo Double-Stuff cookies, unopened. (I don't even know what to say about this one.)

Or how about a 1990 Subaru for Sale: 5-speed, fuel injection, new brake and drum. New exhaust system. 4 new street tires included, 2 studded. Body in great shape. Engine gone but still runs. Just $500.00. (What?)

For Sale: New Christmas Nativity Scene (No Mary, Joseph or Jesus) $100.00

Seems to me that these items are sadly lacking in one thing or another.

Jeanne Kraus, C.M.

     OK, the CM, if you did not figure it out already, stands for Certified Moron. I find now that I can even embarrass myself on the phone. Yesterday I got a suspicious call.

      A voice asked to speak to "Jeannine Krotch." Dead give away that it is not a best friend calling. He tells me he is from my bank that holds my car loan. He asks for my address. Then my zip code. When he gets to my birth date my mind flashes to the TV programs about telephone fraud. I figure I am right now becoming a victim. Before I disclose my birthdate, my phone and my bra size, I decide to be careful.

     I inform the patient person on the other end that I am not comfortable giving out my information.
I have averted an identity theft problem. Next morning I call the company and talk to another person.
 I explain my situation and he asks me some questions.

   "Do you have the phone number of who called you on caller id?"

    I did but it is at the other phone and since I am in a cast it would take me an hour to get there. So I decline to go get it, without explaining. His voice becomes cool.

     "What kind of car is it? What make and year?"

     "Uh, I don't know. Toyota, one of those sedans. Couple years old, maybe?"

     I don't sound like I am too alert. Finally he digs up the information and informs me. "Oh, yes, I see what the problem is. You are 13 days late on your payment."

     "How could that be? I just mailed it and it was 2 weeks early."
     I looked again at the payment stub. It had been due in February, not March. Wrong month. Which means I have another one to pay somewhere. Damn. I decided I better come clean and get some sympathy.

     "Well, see I have a broken leg here and all these bills are piling up on my desk and I must have forgotten them."

      Dead silence.
     "The check's in the mail now as we speak. It has been a hard time here. I usually don't have late payments." I know how lame I sound. I'm babbling.
     "Yes, ma'am." His tone sounds like the voices of emotionless orderlies in the white coats at the retirement home.
Our conversation is over. Jeanne Kraus rules.

My Last Breath

Last Wishes

     OK, no one really wants to think about kicking the bucket. It seems, though, as if I have plenty of extra time on my hands these days to do nothing but think. I have two more weeks to hobble around in this cast so might as well do some future planning. I'm sure not getting any housework done.

     Whether I think about it or not, someday I am going to leave this material world and come back as a... Well, that part I have not figured out yet. How can they improve on the original model? So let me not waste time with things I can't control.

     I read an article recently about a feisty woman who died at age 105. She was an avid smoker all her life, a habit of at least a pack a day. Smoking seemed to be her major hobby, so her loving friends and family buried her with her favorite cigarettes in her hands, a cigarette flower wreath and a memorial ashtray. Not sure if this was intended to be a message to the non-smoking public, a kind of last "ha ha" from the deceased or if her friends felt that her way to heaven was paved with tars and nicotine. The whole situation made me think.

      I had better make my wishes known before some kind soul decides to bury me with something that will drive me crazy through all eternity. I think it's not enough to say what you would like to have buried with you, like pictures of your loved ones, etc, a special piece of jewelry. I would like to make it clear what three things should not be going with me. 
     1. The singing fish that I have on my counter, the one that sings "Give me back that Filet-o-Fish, Give me that fish!" Don't allow him to go with me.

     2. My little flush toilet keyring that actually makes a flushing noise. Please send that to my sister.
     3. And while you're at it, leave out the Energizer bunny. What if someone thinks I'd like that because of my never ending energy and wacky ways? He'd be walking back and forth clanging his cymbals. I'd have to grab his little bunny ears and tie them…Oh, wait, that’s right, I would be dead.

Humor Needed Badly

     OK I have been sitting around watching reruns on TV, limping around on my cast, and generally annoyed at both my knees for failing me at various times in my life. Time for some funny stuff. I researched "funny stuff" and, as usual, came up with a plethora of unusual stories.

     First of all some funny ads that caught my eye.

See What Happens!

22 year old white male, 6'4" and 190 lbs. Janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes. Seeks 19-32 year old female. (My husband too can clean 3 bathrooms in 20 mins.)

Handsome Rake

Out of work leaf raker/bagger seeks whimsical beauty with unkempt auburn or chestnut hair, cool and coarse hands, and a penchant for whistling.

Talking Dog

Speaks in 4 languages, only $50.00

Watch

Tag Heuer mens watch with bright yellow dial, it's not gay, it's European.

Tooter

Spanish Tooter needed for a 7 year old student. (A Tooter? Really?)

Winter Sale

5 Horse Americana snow blower, tecumseh engine, track drive, good shape. Used only on snowy days.

More to come tomorrow! Visit womples.com for more examples!

Charlie's Sheen

     Well, here I am sitting at home with my fractured knee-bone in a cast and bored out of my skull. I can't be up for too long. Got to keep the knee elevated which is not the best position in a long cast from hip to ankle. Bout all I can do effectively is watch TV, nothing with any intricate plot or substance to it because my focus is not good with me being laid up and all.  I have seen many episodes of Law and Order, and NCIS, remembering David McCallum fondly as Illya Kuryakin from The Man from UNCLE.

     Discoveries I have made:

     You can watch Law and Order a few times, then flip the channel and see some of the same episodes again in case you were dozing.

     I have about $1500.00 worth of stuff I want to order from the TV. There is some really cool stuff on there.

     There is no more Regis and Kelly, just Kelly but today she had Josh Groban on and he was adorable.

     I have been keeping way too updated on Charlie Sheen's latest moves. Every sound, every expression, every nuance of expression. It is amazing how people get into the destruction of a human being, bit by bit. I am thinking that my knee in a cast is just a small problem compared to his. I am also thinking that even me, with my paper shorts on my head, appears to be more normally situated than Charlie Sheen. And I wonder how his Dad is coping with all of this.

     And I have time to appreciate my little wiener dog, the faithful dog who sleeps at my side. She gets up and follows me everywhere and lays down again wherever I go. Then when I go back, she is there again, my protector and my heart.

Let's Procrastinate Again

    Well today I have a good reason for straying off topic. Tuesday I managed to fall on a couple of cement (really hard) stairs and bang up my whole leg. It is pretty painful. I got to the orthopedist Wednesday after a 20 minute telephone call (waiting on hold, listening to easy listening music to calm my rattled nerves.) But the x-ray showed a fractured patella, along with the usual arthritis. In addition, my giant sized knee had to have knee juice sucked out of it with a sharp sharp sharp LONGGGGGG needle!

     Needless to say it had been very hard getting around with a really painful leg so I brought out the family crutches, the FreeCycle wheelchair and the ice bags. Wednesday the doctor added a beautiful purple cast to the leg from the hip to the ankle. It was a good fashion statement as you will see on my  picture. Went well with my tie-dyed shirt and my paper shorts that I was awarded at the doctor. Love those paper shorts.

     Unfortunately, some problems have surfaced because of the cast. It is long and straight and I cannot bend the knee so it is very difficult to get up from a sofa, chair, car seat and most of all, a toilet.  I cannot put excessive weight on the other knee in order to pull myself up, because, believe it or not, it is in worse shape, or at least it was, than the other knee.  There is no such thing as moving with urgency for me. The phone rang and I missed 2 calls before I could get to the phone. An urgent bathroom call came in the middle of an online Family Feud game and I ended up losing the entire game because A. it took me too long to crutch there and B. I could not lift myself off the toilet. "Help! I'm finished and I can't get up!"

     Last night I realized the importance of keeping the phone near me. It took me 20 minutes to answer the phone. The caller had hung up by the time I got there. The good thing is that I am eating and drinking less so that I will not need to go to the bathroom as much.
  
      George has to go to a mystery writer's conference this weekend. He may find me in the same position on Sunday that he left me in on Thursday. Should be interesting.
By the way, the top picture shows my cast outfit in all its glory. The second picture shows you how you can accessorize with the paper shorts. Nice touch, I think.